I think it was last weekend that a kid approached me, asking for bus fare. At first I said I didn't have it. It was an automatic response. For one thing, we've been so broke for such a long time that I'm not used to having money in my pocket. When I realized I did actually have some change I called him back and gave him the two dollars. He wasn't asking for that much since tickets for kids are less than that, but it was all I had.
I saw this kid later, on the same bus, and he had traveled all the way across the city just like I had, and I was so glad I'd given him the money.
Tonight my daughter and I went grocery shopping. When we went out to the bus stop a gentleman a fair bit older than me (I'm 41) asked if one of us has a ticket or transfer. Again I automatically said no, and he thanked us politely and kept walking. By the time I realized I actually could spare a ticket because we had managed to keep our shopping trip short enough to ride home on the transfer, he was long gone. It was too late to change my mind. I stood there, beating myself up over it. The guy wasn't asking for drugs or cash. It was cold and he was looking for a ride home.
So, writing this is penance for me in a way. I spoke before thinking, and despite knowing that he probably got home just fine, I feel an apology is in order. I understand that I can't save the world, and he's not necessarily my responsibility, but I feel I have failed him as well as myself. I'm sorry I didn't give him the ticket or a couple of bucks. I'm sorry I spoke without thinking. I'm sorry enough that I'm going to make an effort to think first in the future, before responding to a request for help. All I want is to help people with the life I've been given, so I need to be open to doing so.
It's hard sometimes, to tell whether you're doing more harm than good, when it comes to helping a stranger on the street. If someone is begging for money, are you throwing it into a bottomless pit of drug abuse, or are you giving them something that will keep them from starving that day. Where is the line, and how do we know? Or, do we simply give and let them make the decision whether or not to use it for actual necessities?
Thankfully I live in a place that doesn't normally get that cold. Even if he had to walk to the other side of Hamilton, he wouldn't have frozen to death. Next time, though, I absolutely have to force myself to think before I answer. I'll be a lot less tormented about it later, that's for sure.
I'd like to help ease your torment, Ms. Rain.
ReplyDeleteAltruism is an admirable attribute to one's character but being naive can get you hurt. It's fine line between the two.
If a person is close enough to take a donation from your hand then they're close enough to attempt to overpower you. If that sounds far fetched then, okay, I hope for your sake that I'm never right. When the young man went clear across town, just like you did, what would you have felt if he got off at the same stop as you and then followed in the same direction as you? Yes, he was just a kid. Odds are that there was nothing to fear, especially on the first day. What if he was scouting and sizing up a victim that he and his buddies might take down on another day.
Predators, by the way, will exploit your sense of guilt. I encourage you to make your donations from a distance to your favorite do-gooder organizations and stay aloof from strangers for you personal safety.
I appreciate the thought, and have personal experience with violence and stalking, so I know where you're coming from. I don't allow anyone to approach me in isolated areas. The kid wasn't even a teenager, I don't think. Very young. Last night I was in front of a busy Wal-Mart. My apartment building does not list tenant names - in fact I've never lived in a building that did, and often the buzzer number was completely different from the apartment number. I ignore my buzzer anyway. I don't let anyone into the building that hasn't contacted me by phone first.
ReplyDeleteI've been where those people were, though, and know how devastating a feeling it is to wonder how you're going to get home. I will limit my personal risks, but I can't limit my empathy for those in a similar situation. There are no resources for people, that I'm aware of, when you're stranded and broke. They also seem to be removing all of the payphones, so unless you have a cell phone there's no way you could call someone for help, even if there was someone to call. It's not a very good world for some people.
I understand how you feel, Rain. Sometimes I also just instinctively say no and feel like hell afterwards. No matter what I do, it breaks my heart to see people in a desperate situation. I can't separate myself from my empathy, and actually I don't want to even try, because like you I've had the experience of having nowhere to turn, and of having people walk away from me when I've been vulnerable. It is really hard being there.
ReplyDeleteEmpathy makes us what we are, I think. The less empathy we have, the less human we are. It's sociopaths that have no empathy, and if it had been left up to my upbringing only I would have been a sociopath. Something in my genetic structure made me something else, and I prefer to encourage that part of myself. I know from personal experience that it's not an either/or situation when it comes to nature vs. nurture. It's both.
DeleteThanks for being empathetic toward others, Jennifer. You're wonderful.