Trust is an 8-Lane Cloverleaf on a Freeway, not a Two-Way Street

People talk about trust like it's such a simple thing, and they talk about it in a very two-dimensional way. Either you trust someone, or you don't, in their estimation. I've never felt it was that simple, and I think there are a couple of parts to that argument. One part deals with the person you're placing your trust in, and the other part deals with your own psyche and what you're actually capable of trusting in other people.

The fact is, people aren't one or the other when it comes to trust. Let's use criminal behaviour as an example, seeing as it's one that's pretty obvious. There are people that we can trust with our money, who would never steal a dime from us, but who would punch us in the face without a second's thought. There are people that would steal your life savings in a heartbeat, but literally wouldn't hurt a fly. Our ability to trust a person is based entirely on aspects of that person's unique personality traits.

Another obvious example there is romantic relationships. Trust is always a huge issue there for about a zillion reasons. There's trusting someone not to cheat, and then there's trusting someone with your secrets and dreams. In an ideal relationship, you want to be able to trust a person in almost all the ways you can think of, but the reality is people have flaws. There are people you can trust in every way, except for the fact that they'll never be where they say they're going to be, or they'll never be on time for things. Our trust of people should always be contingent on their personality.

I do this with my friends, of course. I've never had a friend that I trusted with absolutely everything, and it doesn't matter how inherently good a person is, they're bound to fall down on at least a few things. If they were bad people I wouldn't be friends with them in the first place, obviously, but we're far better off placing our trust in things that we know a person isn't going to fall down on. You can think about it in the opposite way, if you're uncomfortable with the idea of not trusting someone. Think about it in the way that you go to certain people for certain things, because they're specifically good with those things. I mean, there are people you know you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets to, and they will never tell another living soul, so that's the person you're most willing to confide in. We can conveniently forget the fact that there's no point in making major plans with them, because there's a good chance they'll cancel on us.

I've had friends that always put their current love interests above everything else in their life, so if they got involved with someone, I knew for a fact that I wouldn't be hearing from them for a while. It's just the way they were, and there was no point in moaning about it. If it's a trait we find unacceptable, then we let the friendship go. It's that simple. However, we're not going to find anyone in this world that's perfect. We all have flaws. We all have things we can't be trusted with. I have a few of my own flaws and I quite willingly warn people, "Don't count on me for something like this. It's not my best quality." Yet, I can probably be trusted in most other respects.

On the flip side of things, there are the issues we have as humans where we simply can't trust other people with those things, and it has nothing to do with who they are, but everything to do with us. You see it in business all the time, for one thing. Small business owners are particularly guilty when it comes to micro-managing things. They need to know every single thing that goes on in their business, and are incapable of letting go of the controls. It can be anything from buying the office toilet paper, to entering the latest invoices. This is a serious problem in any business if they're planning to grow their company. You can't grow a business if you're not willing to delegate the various tasks, because you'll be too bogged down in the crap.

On the more personal end of things, there are people who have been seriously hurt, or even traumatized, by past relationships, and simply can't get past those experiences. For example, a person who has been cheated on may have difficulty trusting another partner not to do the same. A person who has been abused by a partner can experience fear when a new partner becomes angry, completely out of proportion to the situation. This lack of trust will be very damaging to the new relationship, and quite frankly a person who is this damaged shouldn't be getting involved with anyone new anyway. They're not ready.

A different portion of this side of the issue is when we can't trust ourselves. One aspect of that has to do with our own, potentially untrustworthy behaviour. Another aspect is when we can't trust our own judgment of other people. This last one is something I've faced personally. In particular after my last relationship ended over five years ago. Not only did I not trust my ability to judge the merits of other people, but I also didn't trust my ability to pay attention to the signs when it came to behaviour that would be a problem later on. It took me a long time to get past that.

The fact is, I do recognize things people do, and am capable of learning quite a bit about them. So, that takes care of the first portion of the problem. Then I have to remind myself that I did indeed pay attention to the signs. I saw them, recognized them, and knew exactly where the road would lead me. When I was first confronted with a choice, I made the wrong one. However, I eventually grew up enough to start making the right one, and that's what happened when I ended things. Basically I had to learn to trust that my judgment, and my ability to act on it, had improved over time. It had, or I wouldn't be single now. I'd still be going back to those same problems, over and over again, not having learned my lesson.

Trust is a very convoluted issue. There is no right or wrong, black or white answer. Granted, there are very few things in life that are like that anyway. We trust as much as we are able, based on the actions of others and our own experiences. Just because someone demands that we trust them, does not mean that we should, or have to. If they've shown themselves to be trustworthy in a specific aspect of their lives, then we need to work on trusting them with regard to that particular thing. We don't have to give our trust willy-nilly. It's the same as respect. We give respect to those who earn it and deserve it. We don't give it to the people who are unworthy of it. Trust can be no different.