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Sunday, 23 June 2013

A Falling Out Becomes a Favour

I didn't have the best weekend. I had a misunderstanding with a friend, and we both got angry. However, I'm the type of person who is a realist. I like to know what the facts are in any given situation. I don't like fooling myself, so I prefer to know the truth at all costs. I got an answer that I was looking for, even if it wasn't the one I wanted, and quite frankly that's better than a delusion any day of the week. Seeing as I intend to remain friends with this person, and I prefer to say things directly to people, rather than do so passive-aggressively in a misguided blog posting, I will refrain from sharing details. Suffice it to say, things happen for a reason, and I'm content with the results.

You see, with every conflict and challenge in life, we're provided with the opportunity to learn things if we so choose. I've learned more about myself this weekend, and that's never a bad thing. It's not really a new lesson, but it's one that bears repeating in my life every now and again. I've known for some time that I'm a strong person, and I can get through pretty much anything, and to have that lesson confirmed is reassuring in a lot of ways. It was confirmed when I lost my ferret about two and a half months ago, and it was confirmed the other day. It was also reiterated that I really do prefer the truth to a fantasy. I don't think there's anything worse than believing something to be true, and focusing your thoughts and efforts on that, then finding out that it isn't. It's a huge waste of time and effort.

I think people are fooling themselves when they run away from problems, too. Say you've got financial troubles, and you avoid talking to the bill collectors. You're pretending to yourself that the situation is something it isn't. It's not going to improve the situation in the least, and will most likely make it worse since you're not facing the problem, but so long as you pretend everything is okay you're being comforted by a lie. I'm not comforted by those things. That isn't to say I've never run away from problems before, because I have. I've gotten much better with that sort of thing, but I'm certainly not perfect. Escapism serves its purpose, as does denial. Sometimes we need those things to be able to handle a complicated life. I'm certainly good with the escapism thing, seeing as I like to play my PC games a fair bit, especially when things get to be a bit much for me. Everything has to be in moderation, that's all.

The end result of this weekend is that I seem to have a lot more time to myself, and I can focus on other things now. That'll be good for business, as well as for my writing, but it will also be good for me. I've been on an uphill swing the last little while anyway, pushing to bring my life to where I want it, and the extra time and energy will be a big help. I've taken care of everything that was stressing me out, with the exception of one thing I just found out about which means a phone call first thing in the morning, but then I can really relax and let my creative juices flow. My financial issues are disappearing, and things will be getting even better there shortly. That's one thing I find to be difficult for me to get past, actually. When I'm worried about money I have a very hard time focusing on anything else, and that's when I'm most likely to do the running & hiding thing. I choose not to do that these days, which is all to the good, because recently it meant things were resolved more quickly than I had expected even.

I was thinking the other day about getting back to working out, too, and despite the likelihood of further damage to my hip joints I think I'm going to get back into my dancing anyway. I mean, they have to do the stupid surgery to repair the damage anyway, so what's the point in holding myself back. Yes, there's the pain, but I'm in pain anyway so what's the difference? I've definitely got to get back to my yoga and weight lifting, though. I enjoy it. I like the way I feel when I'm using my body for things. Feeling your physical limits expand is a good thing. I enjoy the 'good pain' that comes from having used my muscles just slightly more than usual. It's a pain that tells me I'm alive.

For so long I've been feeling as though I've been in limbo, and not just because of the issues with my injuries. I was in limbo personally, too. However, if you're going to do a dance with your personal life, your better options are either the mambo or a solo act. Limbo sucks. Thankfully I'm happy as a solo act. Some people never can be, and feel empty inside when there's no one to share their life with. Sharing your life with someone can be a beautiful thing, or so I've been told, but having the freedom to completely be yourself with no constraints on your time and lifestyle are a huge blessing. I've been in relationships many times where I was constantly judged, never accepted for how I live. I'd never do that again. I'd never allow anyone to suck me into that cycle again that can only result in resentment and anger. I am who I am, and quite frankly I think I'm a pretty damn decent human being. Someone else's inability to accept me is not a reflection on who I am, but it's certainly a reflection on who they are. That was a painful lesson that I learned many years ago, and thankfully I haven't had to put up with any reminders of that one.

Tonight is going to be a beautiful night, I think. There's supposed to be this whole Supermoon thing happening, so I'm going to be out on my balcony to take a look at that tonight. I like the moon, but I suppose that goes with being nocturnal. I'm a pretty happy person in general. I'm lucky in my friendships, even when there are disagreements, and I value the people in my life. I've got another friend who's facing a difficult day tomorrow, but will have an answer to something she's long been worried about, so I'll be thinking about her and wishing her luck. I have another friend who has recently undergone surgery, and is recovering now, so I'm thankful he's okay. I even have a couple of ex-husbands who are still friends, and can be counted on in a pinch (and vice versa). I also have my daughter, who has been through thick and thin with me, and who has been there for me when I've gone through some very difficult times.

Maybe lucky isn't the word for it, though. I purposely am friends only with those I feel are good people, and I don't waste my time on anyone else. When there is someone I don't want in my life, I simply don't keep them around. They're a waste of the time and energy that is so precious. The ones I do keep around are worth a bit of extra effort, even when misunderstandings occur. In many cases those misunderstandings can make a friendship more solid and more real. Certainly there are some friendships you walk away from because the misunderstandings are actually serious problems. I've had some of those, but as I've gotten older I haven't been encountering those kinds of issues. I choose people much more wisely now.

Friends are friends because they care about us, and we care about them. If that isn't there, then there was no friendship to begin with, and when we care about people and are cared for, our lives become that much more meaningful. I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I like my life to have meaning.