Fear of Power Beyond Measure, Belly-Fire, and Love

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson ~ A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

This quote is misattributed quite regularly to Nelson Mandela, supposedly spoken as a part of his inaugural address. It wasn't. It's certainly powerful enough to have been spoken by Mandela, however. There's something seriously potent about it, and I find it to be true of myself more often than not. I feel my own capabilities inside me, and I know I'm not fulfilling my potential. Not even close. It angers and frustrates me that I do this.

When I was a competitive figure skater, I spent most of my time on the ice being afraid of what I could do. On very rare occasions I let loose and really tore up that ice. I could almost fly. The freedom was intense and terrifying and something beyond pleasure. This self-knowledge, that there's a power source to be tapped inside me, has only increased my dissatisfaction with my own lack of action in my life. Smothering that 'fire in the belly' as it's called, has smothered a good portion of my life. I feel like I'm choking on the smoke sometimes.

There are a lot of people that think I do a lot, and that I'm already outspoken about things, so what more could I really do? Well, when I'm totally honest with myself, I know that it just isn't true. I'm not doing what I can do. I'm not talking about activism, either. I'm talking about living. There is a rage to live inside me. Yes, rage. It's a primal instinct that tells me I can be so much more than what I've been. It's a need to growl and roar, while grinning in sheer happiness. Of course, to some people that might look like nothing more than insanity.

Admittedly I'm a somewhat aggressive person. I don't always play well with others. I try not to hurt people, because I feel a great deal of empathy, but I'm not what anyone would call a team player. I'm strictly a solo act when it comes to running things, and I don't take orders from anyone. Not even in the past with various employers. I knew what I was doing, and they knew it, so it was in everyone's best interests to simply let me do my thing. That was business, though. In my personal life I've been too bloody content for too long. It's not enough.

The fact is, I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off at myself, and I'm pissed off at my situation right now. This is a good thing. Pissed off is good. I'm not bitter or anything. I'm just angry enough to push past pain and get a handle on my life again. People treat anger like it's a bad thing, but it can be very productive if you're like me and use it to your advantage. I'm not cranky about it. I'm just not going to take the sh*t anymore.

One of the things I'm dealing with is my hip injuries. I found out today that the second doctor recommended to me isn't taking new patients for 6 months. Not good enough. So I called the referral service back, and I'm getting in to see a third doctor. If she doesn't listen to what I have to say, we're going to have a problem, but I'm going to make that clear to her from the beginning. I've been living with this problem for too long, and it needs to be fixed. If it were something irreparable, I'd accept it and move on. However, I just need a bit of surgery and I'll be fine.

I've taken care of quite a few things so far this week, and forward momentum is always a good thing. I've got plans for the future. Hell, I've got plans for this week, and I aim to fulfill every one of my dreams. There are some things I have no control over, because they involve other people, but at the very least I can explain to people what it is I want from them and see if they're willing to cooperate. It's always better to know where things stand. Sometimes all it takes is one person to trigger things and get them going. It's a bit like the Gloria Steinem quote about one person speaking up and giving others the courage to do the same. I'm not referring to activism at the moment, but it still works.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light." I'm not big on poetry, but that line from the Dylan Thomas poem, "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night," has always spoken to me. It isn't enough to just survive. We need to live, we need to feel and be powerful. We need intensity and purpose in our lives, and we need our lives to have meaning. We need love, and we need hope. We need to know that we matter to people, and we need to know that we're necessary to the world. Anything less is half of a life, if that. Maybe even a waste of space and breath. I don't want to merely suck up the available oxygen. I want to be powerful beyond measure. I want to feel and know all of the things it's possible to feel and know.

I'm ready to make some major changes to my life. I can't change who I am, but I can change the way I've held myself back. I can stop tamping down my own power, choking the joy out of living. I'm getting involved in way too many things that aren't where I intended to be. A vortex of negativity has been sucking me under. Well, there's a lot more to this world than all the bad crap I've been living off of for such a long time. My voice won't be silenced, but the tone is going to change.

The only way to make a change in this world is to come up with a way of doing things that works better than the old way. People will abandon the old ways on their own when they see the proof. You can talk about it all you want to, about how things are wrong and how much people are being hurt in this world, but people shrug their shoulders thinking there isn't a better way. I'm seeing this in everything, and it's making me sick. There are too many people complaining about what's wrong, and not enough people coming up with the solutions that will work. We become adversaries, rather than leaders. If there's a better way of doing things, the first step is to do it that way.

I think there's a very good reason I get along with men so well, despite the fact that I'm a feminist. I don't think of men as the enemy, I don't think of myself as less than a man, I don't have to act like a man to be equal, and I don't focus on feeling oppressed. I started to for a while, and like I said I was being sucked under by the negativity. One of the biggest chauvinists I ever encountered was my ex-husband. It didn't take long before he changed his opinion. All it usually takes is a single encounter with someone who challenges your beliefs, and that's the way to change the world. Show people what can be, not what's wrong with what is. Let people judge for themselves, rather than attacking them for what they're doing wrong.

There's just something in me that I wish I could share with everyone. It's power, hope, belief, faith and a sense of trust. It's a determination to do more with my life and my love. That may be a vital difference, of course. I'm not afraid to love. I'm far more terrified of not loving. I spent a number of years with no ability to open my heart, and once I got it back I realized what a mistake it was to shut myself down like that. Sure, we love people and sometimes they hurt us, but when we love...we live. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is. It's an instinctive need. Not just to be loved, but to give it. If our actions come from a place of love, people will respond to that. If our actions come from hate and anger and mistrust, nothing good can come of it.

Of course, there's something to be said for loving only a few, but loving well. We pick the ones we know are worthy of our deeper feelings. I'll never be the kind of person that can have a million friends. I'm not a social butterfly. When I love someone, though, they have my loyalty. I love my friends, or they wouldn't be my friends. I worry about them, they cross my mind frequently even when I'm not being talkative, and I always have them near me in my own way. I have more friends in my life than many people would expect, considering my solitary nature.

Here's where everything circles back, though. Love in itself is power. It's one of the most powerful forces in the universe, if not the most powerful. We can use the power of that love to move us in the right direction. If we have love for the world, we're more likely move in a direction that will help the world rather than hinder it. I refer to real love, of course, not obsessive love. Obsession is, by its very nature, destructive. It isn't love. People who are obsessed want to possess the person or object of their 'affections' no matter what the cost. Real love means giving someone what is best for them, rather than trying to lay claim. Obsession is objectification. It's like that old expression, "If you love something, set it free..." After all, if people aren't in your life voluntarily, it just doesn't count.

It's a philosophy I literally take to heart in every sense. It may be an odd comparison, but I'm like that with my ferrets. When I still had Stimpy, and with Pepper to this day, I love them like crazy, but I don't hold onto them when they want to be free (unless it's for their own safety, of course). I pick them up, say hello, and give them a quick snuggle. If they start to squirm I put them down. After all, what's the point of loving them if I'm making them miserable with it? Loving is powerful, and it's freedom when it's given in its purest form. When we love, truly, we willingly give every measure of freedom to what we love. We want their happiness, not to entrap them.

When we love we don't judge, we accept. When we live powerful lives, we are capable of great love. When we fill ourselves up inside, we have more to pour out to the world, and if we choose to fill ourselves with love, power, hope, belief, faith and a sense of trust, then those are the things that are going to come out of us.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm writing all this stuff today. Well, mostly as a reminder to myself. I need it. I tend to remember the things I write, because I have to think about them in order to write them. If there's anything that I really need to remember in my life, though, it's that I need to embrace my own power rather than fear it, and that when I use it I need to do so with love in my heart. It won't stop me from making mistakes, but it will minimize the ones I do make.

Well, a fire in the belly needs fuel. I need to eat something. I'm hungry!