Fight For It, My Butt!

A conversation I had the other night, which was one of those back and forth joking things, popped into my head today and the more I thought about it the more I realized I had something more serious to say on the subject. Not to the person I was having the conversation with, because we were just kidding around, but to my readers in general, and anyone else who is willing to listen to me.

Years ago a movie came out called "10 Things I Hate About You" starring Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger. There's a scene in it where he starts to sing to her over the P. A. system at their high school's football field. He's sings Frankie Valli's, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You," as he tries to convince her to go out with him. It works in the movie, of course.

In an interview he gave after the release of the movie, Heath Ledger was asked if he had done, or would ever do, that for a girl/woman. His response was a flat-out, "No." At first it sounded a bit harsh to me, until I heard his reasons for it. He basically said that if you had to do that for a girl, she wasn't that interested in you in the first place. Once I'd thought about it for a while, I realized he couldn't have been more right.

This might surprise some people that I would feel that way, since I"m the type of person to go after what I want, and I don't feel it has anything to do with gender. Women can ask men out, and vice versa. However, the real issue lies in whether or not someone returns your interest. If they don't there isn't anything you can do about it. If you push them they're just going to get even less interested. Of course, there are those who do have feelings of attraction for you, and they get off on the idea of you chasing them, but I'll be blunt and say that it's an extremely immature person who feels they have to do that. If they need to be chased, they have self-esteem issues.

Asking someone out, or expressing interest in them, is one thing. It's another thing entirely to keep after them once they've already said no. If they're being honest in their refusal, you're not going to change their opinion. If they're being dishonest, they're playing games, and who the hell needs that?

Within society, however, women are conditioned to believe that men should chase them. Men are expected to put forth all kinds of effort to convince a woman to date him. Men would be far better off asking once and then letting it go after that. Not just because it can devolve into something similar to stalking, but also because it shouldn't be such a bloody difficult thing for them to proposition a woman for a date. I mean, really, it's hard enough for someone to get up the courage to ask someone out, which is exactly the same thing as admitting you like them. Having someone reject you, and then expect you to keep going after them, is just torture for the self-esteem.

I think it boils down to that princess mentality a lot of women were raised to adopt as their own dating code. Prince Charming is supposed to move heaven and earth to get the girl. Now, I'd like someone to explain to me why. What has she done to deserve that, other than sit there and look pretty. Granted, I talked about that aspect of things in a previous post, so I'm not going to expound upon that particular issue here. Suffice it to say, anyone who wants someone to ask them out should be worth a lot more than a superficial, outward appearance.

Patterns have developed in society that are unhealthy, however. One of my all-time favourite songs is "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. Breaking down the lyrics, mind you, reveals something very sinister indeed. It's known as 'the stalker song' for good reason. Yet, at the time it came out it was extremely popular and no one thought anything of it. It was commonly accepted behaviour in males who were interested in females. Men were expected to be pursuers, and if the girl didn't say yes at first, the guy was supposed to continue his pursuit and convince her somehow. He was supposed to win her heart, like it was some sort of competition or something.

Now, thinking about that song, how weird does it sound in your head if you imagine a woman singing it? To me the phrase 'bunny-boiler,'  a la Glenn Close, comes to mind...but maybe I'm wrong. When I think of a woman watching a man, the feel of the song becomes totally different and I see it for what it truly is. I mean, I still love it, and try to think of it in harmless terms, but it really isn't harmless. Even if it isn't intended to be about stalking someone, it still glorifies an unhealthy relationship behaviour and an unhealthy component of North American society.

When you're in a relationship, fighting for it might take on an entirely different connotation. You fight for the relationship itself - you're not fighting to win someone's heart. Fighting for it means different things for different couples, but it usually includes conversation or therapy or something similar. In the case of fighting for a relationship, it's kind of the mirror image of fighting to win someone over. Once you stop caring enough to argue or fight, chances are the relationship is doomed.

The only time I can see it being acceptable to fight to 'win' someone, is when you've been really stupid and you did something that seriously hurt them. You have to work to gain their forgiveness. I can totally get behind that. Whatever it is that hurt the other person so badly, you're basically fighting to regain their trust. They now know that you can and will hurt them, because you've proven it, so now you have to show that you realize your mistake and sincerely believe that you will never be dumb enough to do it again.

I should add something, though. Not every infraction in a relationship requires a partner to pull out all the stops. Sometimes the offense is so minor that it should just be ignored so that you can get on with your happy little life, instead of turning it into a three-ring circus of he-said-she-said. Sometimes the offense is serious enough that it requires an apology, yet minor enough that it doesn't justify splitting up. The severity of the infraction can be judged pretty easily, too. If you feel like you've been gut-kicked, you probably deserve an apology of some sort. Not always, but it's pretty likely. If you're offended more than hurt, let it go. If you suddenly feel as though you might never trust your partner again, they likely need to do some serious butt-kissing.

In other words, fighting to win someone over should only be necessary if you screwed up. Otherwise they should already think you're good enough just the way you are. If they don't, walk away. As much as I hate to use such an overused phrase, "He's/she's just not that into you." Trite but true.

In a ways it's kind of surprising that so many men still fall for this line of thinking. Pride has been credited as the downfall of many whose testosterone commandeers their hormone levels. One would think, if that's really the truth about men (and it would be sexist to make that assumption at all), that they would have a hard time swallowing it in order to keep up their pursuit. I have to say, though, I'm pretty sure women have more than their share of pride. I certainly do, and I can guarantee that my pride will never allow me to behave that way with anyone. Back in high school it might have been possible, especially since I was pretty insecure back then. As a grown-up, though? Never.

One (sort of) caveat applies here. Performing some sort of grand gesture isn't off-limits if it's done for the right reasons. Sometimes we just want to show someone how much we appreciate them. It should be done out of a sense of giving, without expecting anything in return. Everyone likes those kinds of gestures, and it's nice to be shown appreciation just for the sake of appreciation. It's kind of like buying flowers for someone for no reason other than that you want to give them a gift or make them smile, compared to buying someone flowers to get them into bed. It's all about the intent of the gesture.

There are plenty of things in life that we should fight for. We fight for causes we believe in, or the achieving of personal goals. A relationship can't be a personal goal, though. It can only ever be a mutual goal if it's a healthy one, because it requires more than one person to go after it. I've know both men and women who have made it their goal to be married by a certain age, but it's not within our control, really. You can make it a goal to look for someone who is compatible, but you can't make it a goal to find them. Your chances of finding that person are increased by looking, and the more you keep an eye out, the more likely you are to find them, but maybe you won't. Good things will likely come to those who make an effort, but there are no guarantees, particularly when another person has some say in the matter.