A Really Strange Feeling

The universe is warped.  There's no question about it.  My ex, who never reads anything, apparently reads some of my articles.  My daughter has a date she's not sure is even a date, despite the fact that she intends to tell him she makes a lousy girlfriend, assuming he wants more than friendship.  I'm dreaming about romantic entanglements with someone I've never even dated, despite having no interest in relationships of any kind.  Maybe the stars are completely out of alignment today.

The focus lately seems to be on the romantic end of things, which I find more than a little strange for someone like me.  Maybe it's a sign that says I'm ready to move on, but I moved on a long time ago - I just never went anywhere else.  I'm not lonely, although boredom seems to be striking with increasing regularity these days.  I'm not used to being bored.  Normally there are a million things in my head about what I want to do and learn.  The problem, of course, is that I'm so limited in what I'm able to do right now, that it's no wonder boredom is setting in.  I keep doing the same old, same old.  I play a lot of computer games, and when my brain is working I'll write.

Drugs keep my brain so bloody numb I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes at a time, so I can write during the lucid times, but I can't get back to doing anything that requires an attention span longer than half an hour.  Last night I managed an article with nearly 3,000 words, which is really too long, but it was fairly technical and required a bit of detail, and it's only part one of the series.  I'll have ended up writing a book on the topic by the time the article series is finished.  I guess my lucid period lasted longer than 30 minutes, but then I forgot to take my pills when I first woke up, and was half finished the article by the time the pain yanked my focus away from my writing.  I managed to finish it off and give it a quick proof-read before the pills really kicked in.

Movies are okay, but I've veered away from them a lot.  Another symptom of boredom I guess.  I'm losing interest in almost everything I'm able to do because there's no bloody variety for me anymore.  Maybe that's why romance popped up in my head.  A lot of people get involved in relationships because they're bored, or because they can't stand to be alone with themselves, and seeing as I know that, I'll simply avoid it.  Diving into the dating pool is something I'd be doing for all the wrong reasons.

My dream triggered something, though, that I had forgotten all about.  A feeling.  Some sort of intensity that is very hard for me to explain.  Not just intensity, but connection.  A passionate and intense connection.  That's the closest I can come to describing the feeling.  It's the one thing I guess I miss about romance, but the sad truth is, it's just infatuation.  That feeling dies once you've been with someone a while.  There's nothing wrong with comfortable, abiding love, don't get me wrong.  I'm just saying that the first blush of so-called love, where everything takes your breath away, is a fleeting thing.  It's not worth investing in a relationship just for that feeling.  People who do will end up breaking up with their partner when the feeling disappears, and move on to someone else who takes their breath away, repeating the cycle as many times as it takes to figure out that it doesn't last.  Some people never do, so they keep going back for more.

If it were only myself it wouldn't be a big deal, but a relationship requires two people, and the other person would end up hurt, most likely, when I found myself unable to commit.  If I happened to find someone who was right for me, and who understood my need to spend most of my time alone, as well as being a person I could stand being around for hours at a time, it would be fantastic, except for the fact that I'm not even in a position in my life where I'm able to take on a relationship.  Why?  Well, because I'd be powerless in the partnership.  I'm not at a high point in my life, to say the least.

Until I get my surgeries done, and get back to making decent money, I would be the loser in a relationship.  I wouldn't want to date someone in my current situation, so how can I ask someone to want to date me?  I probably wouldn't want anyone who would have me like this, either.  It's one thing to already be with someone when 'tragedy' strikes and you're forced to face things together.  You've already pledged your troth so to speak, and already being in the relationship you want to be there for them.  Nobody wants to start a relationship where one person has to be the support structure for the other person.  You barely know this person, and you're not in love with them yet.

If it came down to a point where I thought I would be permanently crippled, I might think differently about it, but this isn't a lifestyle I want to continue once my problems have been resolved.  When I'm able to walk regularly again, and work consistently at my business, I will feel more like myself.  I will be the confident person I usually am.  Granted, my self-confidence isn't that bad, considering what I've been going through, but I know I really have nothing to offer anyone right now.

Once I'm back in the swing of things, however, I'm going to be a really busy girl for a while.  I'll basically be starting my business from scratch again.  I'll have a website to build all over again, but this time I'm doing it on my computer and uploading it through FTP to my host server.  That way I won't lose my work again, if something else goes wrong.  Besides, I've got a lot more control over it when I'm not using a hosting company's site building program.  Once the website is finished, I've got inventory to amass, things to design and build, you name it.  I've invented a few things having to do with taking good care of various pets - things that no one else in the world has to offer to the public, so I look forward to an even more profitable future.  I just have to get myself there.

I won't be bored enough to start thinking about romance again for a long time, which is why I know it isn't really romance that I want.  Nope.  I just want something to do!