Loneliness - I Just Don't Get It

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt lonely, and it makes me wonder if people misinterpret something else as loneliness.  The closest thing I feel is listless boredom.  Usually I'm just in a weird mood where I'm not really sure what it is I want to do at that moment.  I never get entirely bored, either, because I can always think of at least a hundred things I want to do in life, but I do get indecisive about what I might want to do at that particular moment.

I know there are a lot of people out there who are miserable by themselves and can't stand silence.  My former mother-in-law is like that.  She always has the TV on so there's noise in the house.  I love the silence, which is a good thing, since I've been losing my hearing for a very long time, and one day I'm supposed to become deaf.  If I hated the silence I would find that to be a much bigger problem.

Most people who can't stand silence, though, are people who can't live with their own thoughts.  People who need to find another romantic partner right after their last relationship failed, are usually people who have a big hole inside them that they're trying to fill with something.  The problem is, there is no external way to fill that hole.  That kind of thing needs to be healed internally, or we try to fill it with people, relationships, drugs, eating, and/or alcohol.

The hole that needs to be filled, if we aren't doing something to self-medicate, usually leaves us feeling edgy and restless.  There was a time in my life when I felt that way, and I remember thinking I was lonely more than once in my life, so I know how it feels to live that way, but now I question my own perception of loneliness, just as I question it of others.  Was I really lonely?  Or was I just afraid to face myself and needed to provide my own distraction?

When it's completely quiet and we're left with our own thoughts, at that point we're stuck listening to our conscience as well.  Maybe we've done things that don't really sit too well with our hearts.  Maybe we've had a confrontation with someone that made us feel a bit shaky.  Most people reach for the remote and immerse themselves in thoughtless entertainment for a while, or they pour a glass of wine, toke a joint, etc.  It's escapism, pure and simple.

We are not accustomed to hearing our own thoughts these days.  Too often they're drowned out by everything else, until you suddenly have so many thoughts crowded into your head you can't begin to deal with them.  I've always had a problem with sleep for that reason.  I mean, I don't sleep well at night anyway, and usually sleep during the day.  However, there have been many times in my life where I haven't been able to sleep for days at a time.

The way my head works, I have to read before sleeping or I simply won't fall asleep.  Occasionally that's not true, but it doesn't happen often that I'll just drop off to sleep without distracting my brain with a book.  If I just close my eyes, and I'm not already on the verge of crashing, my thoughts will start circling like airplanes around an airport in a snowstorm.  I run through the same thoughts over and over, and sleep will not come.

So, it goes without saying that I'm not completely mentally healthy or sleeping probably wouldn't be an issue for me.  However, I still feel pretty good about the state of my mental health.  These days I'm having to read a lot less before sleeping, and I'm getting better at shutting my thoughts off when they do pop into my head.  I have fewer problems and stresses in my daily life, which helps, although a lot of people would think I should be miserable the way I have to live.

What seems low-stress to me would be high-stress for many others.  The fact that I feel better when I'm not around people is part of that.  I don't get cabin fever at all, even though I don't leave my home for weeks at a time, sometimes months.  Part of that is because I'm not really supposed to walk around due to the damage walking will do to my hip joints before they're surgically repaired.  Anyone who likes to socialize, or just be out somewhere, doing something, would hate my life.  I'm not the type of woman who likes to shop, or get together with friends, and pretty much everything I like doing is a solitary activity that would only be spoiled by the addition of people.

You know, I find it's a lot like the whole travelling thing.  Most people love to travel, and want to go all over the world.  I don't.  It's quite possible it's because I did a lot of travelling as a child.  Not just for vacationing, but because I was a competitive figure skater/highland dancer/pianist.  I was constantly travelling for my competitions.  I have hundreds of collectible pins I bought from the places I competed.  I've been all over Canada and the US, and I frankly got sick of it.  It's also a lot more trouble than it's worth to me.  Dealing with all the headaches of travel, especially when you have very little money, ruins the trip for me.

When it comes to socialization, it's the same deal.  I spent my whole childhood surrounded by people.  I had almost no time alone, and no time off from the gruelling schedules involving training and competition.  I was also known by nearly everyone in the small town I lived in, due to my regular appearance in the newspaper, so even walking down the street I always had someone stopping to talk to me.  These days, living in a city where I'm anonymous, I get stopped for a totally different reason that has nothing to do with me.  I only get stopped when I'm walking my ferrets, and believe me I always get stopped.  It's one thing I don't mind at all, though.  I could talk about 'my boys' days and night, although I try not to, and I'm okay when the focus isn't on me.  I'm not shy, but I am intensely private.

So, no I really don't get loneliness, but I totally get Garbo when she said, "I vant to be alone..."