Communication & Domestic Skills, with a Little Groundless Fear Thrown In

I was more than a little bit worried that I wouldn't be able to pick up the metaphorical pen again, and continue writing the way I had before I lost Internet access almost two months ago.  I'd spent so long not writing before I started a few months ago, that I was afraid I would go for years again, unable to produce anything, or at the very least unable to force myself past other fears and actually publish it.

Not so, as you can see.  I can happily spend many days without using my voice now, as I'm no longer the talker I used to be, but I still feel a need to write.  I'm sure there's some arrogance in there, that my opinions are necessary to the world or something, which I'm also aware consciously, simply isn't true.  There are most likely others, more skilled than I, spouting similar values, and it wouldn't hurt the world one bit for me to keep my screen blank.  Still, what's that phrase about whispers turning into a roar of discontent?  If it's not just one person spouting the opinion, it eventually becomes a group.  Minds may not be changed over to your argument, but people can be more courageous about voicing their opinions in a group if they agree with what you're saying.

At one time I was the quintessential talker, though.  I wanted to talk about everything, and to pretty much anyone.  In relationships I was always the one saying, "We need to talk", and now I live in fear of hearing those words.  That's probably why I can't see myself in another relationship again.  Even 'friends with benefits' runs the risk of relationship discussion, and I'm just not up for it.  Hell, chance encounters in a bar run that risk, too.  For some reason I attract the relationship type.  Even guys who are known for being footloose and fancy-free will change their tune when faced with a woman who genuinely does not want to get involved.  A woman who pretends to not want a relationship is easily disregarded, of course, as her fakery is somewhat obvious.

I shouldn't say I don't want a relationship, because there's always the off chance I will one day meet someone who fits into my life the way I need them to.  Someone who has his own life, his own friends, and doesn't need to spend a whole lot of time with me.  Someone who, with no exceptions, accepts me exactly as I am, and never ever tries to change a single thing about me.  Believe me, that is not easy to find.  There are always the complaints that you don't spend enough time with them because you're involved in, say, running a couple of businesses, or working on your book, or doing research, or just having fun playing computer games for twelve hours straight.  I can't say I blame them, as I tend to get involved in things on a near-obsessive scale, and they get left out.  I've got a million opinions, and I try to do something about all of them.

The complaints I generally hear from men who become involved with me, are the ones that men usually hear from women.  I suppose if I were a lesbian I would've expected that, but apparently men are just as vulnerable as women when it comes to that sort of thing, and their reaction tends to be more extreme because they're simply not used to dealing with those sorts of emotions.  Most often it's the woman trying to move the relationship forward.  Not so in my case.  I now have an inherent mistrust of relationships, and would be the first one to say, "Let's just see where this goes".  Never will a man hear the words, "What are you thinking?" coming from my lips, as that's a lead-in to disaster from my perspective.  He might actually tell me, and then I would have to deal with whatever emotional stuff he chooses to lay on me.

I don't bother to examine where the change in me took place, because I already know.  It was during a long-term relationship, and we did a switcheroo.  Suddenly I was emotionally unavailable after years of him being so, in reaction to his emotional unavailability.  Now I find myself enjoying the freedom and, yes, power of that state, and have no interest in giving up the edge.

The other big complaint I get from men has to do with my lack of willingness to do housework, or other so-called female things.  I hate housework, and I feel my time is better used elsewhere, so I think it's a no-brainer.  I can pay someone to clean my place for a little bit of money, and then go off and make twice that by doing what I do best.  Financially it makes the most sense to me, but most people don't have the benefit of being a former accountant and don't really understand the math.

There's also the issue of whether or not I'm 'making a home' apparently, and quite frankly I think it's a non-issue.  Aside from the feminist perspective that it's not just a woman's responsibility, a home to me is where you feel comfortable, you can be yourself, and you're among people who accept you as you are and love you for it.  A home is not something that's only a home because you work your fingers to the bone to clean it.  I suck at cleaning, admittedly, and it would take me about twelve times as long to do a job as it would take for a professional, thereby wasting even more time and money.  I'm allergic to a lot of cleansers, too, so that doesn't help.

I doubt very much that there's a man out there for me.  I'm not the least bit picky when it comes to money or looks, so you would think that would open up the field a bit for me, but it really doesn't.  Even men who think they have no pre-conceived notions about what a woman should or shouldn't be, most often do, and I tend to fail miserably there.  I'm apparently physically appealing, especially now that I'm almost as thin as I was in high school, but my lack of interest in traditional female roles puts me at a supposed disadvantage.

People might assume I'm complaining about all this, when in fact I'm more than a little bit pleased.  I found my last attempt at a serious relationship to be the most exhausting thing I've ever experienced, and that's even comparing it to raising a child single-handedly.  I simply don't have the energy to contribute to another one.  As they say in Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this shit", and I'm only 41.  Go figure.