Banner Surprise

I went to copy HTML code for my wrytestuff.com banner, so that it could be pasted onto my website, and discovered some very flattering news.  I'm apparently in the top 100 writers on the site, as my banner code states.  My popularity on there is increasing bit by bit, and I'm starting to get more search engine referrals, which is great news.  With over 3,000 views of my articles, I'm beginning to feel very good about my future as a writer.

I've never really been sure if I was afraid of failure, or afraid of success.  Rejection doesn't bother me, really, as not everybody is going to like you, or what you do.  I can accept that.  I do know that it's easy to tell yourself you're not a failure if you haven't tried, because you haven't tried yet and haven't actually failed.  Of course, it doesn't make you a success either.

The thing is, I've done lots of things I was afraid of, such as skydiving.  Something bad usually happens, too, such as me hitting the ground at 20 miles an hour and actually bouncing, which was what happened when I did go skydiving.  I always know that the chances are good that things might not work out the way I want them to, but that doesn't usually stop me.

Writing is a different sort of fear, however.  I've always been told I was very good at it, getting top marks way back in school (about 25 years ago), and whenever anyone read my work.  There's always been a niggling doubt about the veracity of those compliments, though.  Most people aren't likely to say, "Man, this sucks!  Don't quit your day job."  People generally try to be nice, at least to your face.    I always wondered if people were being honest with me, or if they were just being tactful.

I've been getting lots of feedback on my writing lately, all from strangers, and all of it good, so my confidence is increasing.  Enough so that I've queried an agent.  I was a little surprised at myself for that, as I wasn't intending to do so just yet, but the impulse hit and I thought, "You've waited long enough.  Just send it off and see what they say.  It certainly can't hurt, and it's better than having it sit in a file on your stupid laptop, just waiting for the perfect moment."

There are no perfect moments in life to get anything done.  You just have to get it done.  For a long time I wasn't writing, and was waiting for inspiration to strike.  Finally I gave up on inspiration and simply started to write again.  Once I did that the inspiration started coming from out of nowhere.  Now I can't seem to stop.  I have a list of articles I want to write, and I think there are about 35 ideas on that list.  Some ideas won't stand the test of later perusal, which is the way inspiration works.  Sometimes it's just a silly thought, rather than a good idea.  Some will make it onto the pages of wrytestuff.com.  Other ideas may end up being turned into fiction, and end up on my website instead.  A few might work their way into contests even.

All I know is, now that I'm actually writing again, the rewards have been great.  Emotionally for the moment, and maybe fiscally later, but the good feelings are still the same.  I've accomplished some things I've set out to do, and whether those things turn into successes on their own, I still feel like a success for having done them.