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Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Canadian Plot Thickens - U.S. Takeover Imminent

It has recently been discovered that there is a new game afoot within the Canadian population. Jealous and malcontent, the almost 35 million citizens of Canada have been scheming for the last five years to make a few changes to North America. Canadians are tired of their free healthcare and personal freedoms, and they want what the Americans enjoy on a daily basis. The constant refrain of, "Who are you to tell me I deserve basic medical care," echoes loudly in the streets, Canadians being the militant people that they are.

What exactly have they done to ensure this takeover? Well, they started with demanding Ted Cruz fulfill his patriotic duty to the country where he was born, and they gave him a list of things he needed to accomplish. The results of these tasks were readily seen as of October 1st, 2013, when the United States government was shut down. The delay of Obamacare was just a bonus. Affordable healthcare rather defeats a lot of the purpose in taking over America, after all.

When questioned (with a great deal of incredulity on the part of the interviewer) why on earth Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, would instigate these measures, he calmly responded by saying, "Well, we messed up, and quite frankly they have what we want." The reporter went on the ask if perhaps oil might be an issue, he replied, "No, no. We have plenty of our own."

"What about forestry or mining?" Harper shook his head in exasperation at her naivete, "Nope. We keep stripping the trees and the damn things just keep growing back - what would we want with more of them? As for mining, have you seen our diamonds? I mean, they're ranked as the best in the world. Cruelty-free don'tcha know. What it all comes down to is this; no Canadian citizen wants to be taken care of by their government. It makes us feel like babies. We're a tough lot. We'd rather be left to fend for ourselves. Not one citizen wants health care or the freedom to marry whomever they choose. They certainly don't want the freedom to make personal decisions about their bodies. Imagine! Women actually wanting access to birth control? Puh-lease. Religious freedom is a thing of the past, too.

"No, the whole thing has to come down, and the only way to do that is to take control of the American government. We'll oust every one of them damn liberals trying to help out the other 98%. That nonsense has got to stop. They can have the sex, they can make the babies, and then the babies can go to work, too. Then we can bring back the manufacturing plants from overseas. We'll have all the cheap labour we want - no more outsourcing, and better for the economy all around."

By this point in the interview the reporter was starting to understand, her head nodding in unconscious agreement.

"So, basically, now that the government is shut down you're just going to waltz in there and take over, I guess. What about the queen, though? Won't she have something to say about all this?" Harper chuckled.

"Have you seen the mess they've got over there with their National Health Service?"