Powerful While Powerless, and a Refreshing Start

Let me get right down to the nitty-gritty. We finally got ourselves moved out of our old apartment. We also had some interesting times without electricity for the last 10 days we were there. It's not the first time I've done without power, and I'm stubborn when it comes to paying a bill where I think I'm getting ripped off. Living in an apartment it's very easy for people to patch into other people's power lines. All you need is a little detector for electrical lines and a drill. For some reason, despite the fact that we weren't using space heaters for those months, our usage was twice as high as it had been the previous year when we were using space heaters. I told the woman at the utility company this, and she simply didn't care. Told us we had to pay well over $300 if we wanted to retain our service for the last ten days we'd be there. I told them to stuff it. Stealing utilities of any kind in this country is actually a very big offense, so you would think they'd be a little more interested, but they weren't. Too much bother for them when they could simply demand their money from us.

We actually had the money to pay the bill. That wasn't the point. The point was that someone was stealing from us and I wasn't going to pay for it. Instead we bought some batteries for our LED lantern, and got a couple more LED lights. It being close to summer, we had a fair bit of daylight anyway, and at night we played board games or UNO. We had a lot of fun, and bought a bunch of ravioli to eat cold. We could have had other stuff, but we happen to like cold ravioli.

Right before our power was shut off our microwave blew, so this weekend we're getting a new one. My daughter was cleaning it and may have sprayed the vinegar-water through the vent holes. Normally we put a cup of vinegar-water in it and turn it on to clean it, and it works miracles, but this time it started smoking and sparking and I told her to stick it in the pile going into the garbage.

We got rid of a lot of our stuff. There were various pests in that building and we had no interest in bringing any of them with us. Besides, my dresser and bed were already destroyed by water damage when the roof of the building leaked. Mildew had destroyed half my clothes in my closet, too. And this is the landlord that had the nerve to try to get $2,600 from us for damage to the floor. That didn't work out so well for them. Thankfully they were nice enough to allow us to stay on a couple extra months when I injured my knee so badly I couldn't get down the stairs.

As luck would have it, though, that delay from my injury was a blessing. Not that I enjoyed the pain or anything, but the delay is how we ended up finding a really great apartment. We went to look at two that day, and we figured from the address that the first one would be a dump and the second would be decent enough. It turned out that the first one was amazing. We were really surprised by it. We still went to see the other place, but I called the guy from the first place right after our second viewing and told him we wanted the place. The rent was higher, but all utilities are included and we also have central air. We no longer have to throw in a window unit. Yippee. In fact, we gave that window unit away by sticking a sign on it and putting it in the hallway of the old building. It was gone in less than 24 hours.

We're still really thrilled with the new place. Every floor is tile. My bedroom has a ten-foot ceiling, which echoes like mad right now, but once I get a painting or two on the wall, and buy the area rug I want, it should be awesome. I'm going back to having a queen-size bed again in a couple of weeks. The room is huge, in addition to the high ceiling, so I now need furniture to fill it up. Thankfully the landlords left a wardrobe, a couple of bookshelves, a nice table and chairs, curtains on all the windows except one, and a couple of area rugs. The urgent stuff is no longer an issue.

We haven't unpacked fully, yet, but we've unpacked more here than we did at the old place in nearly 3 years. Hopefully we'll get everything done this weekend, as we'll have been here two weeks by Sunday. We're actually going to hire a friend of my daughter to come in and clean at least once a month. My daughter's back at work with hours that are a crazy mix of continental days and nights, so she needs her time off to adjust between shifts, and I'm just not capable of cleaning a whole house anymore. We've been keeping up with the animals rather religiously, however. The ferrets are doing well with their puppy pads, and the cat was never a problem with her litter box. Apparently the people who lived here before wouldn't change their cat's litter, and so the landlord warned us ahead of time that we needed to keep everything really clean, especially since they'd never seen a ferret before. They haven't had any complaints thus far, so hopefully we're doing okay with that.

For the first time in about four years, we have a decent place to live. Actually, it's closer to seven years. The place was clean when we moved in. It smells and feels clean, and it's done up pretty nicely. I'll be pleased to have people come over and visit, instead of being ashamed of it. It's a huge change in mindset for me, and a great step toward regaining happiness in my life.

Another positive is that I finally got in to the orthopedic surgeon. He's sending me to a group of doctors that will administer long-acting anesthetic injections, guided by ultrasound. I've got about four different problems with my hip joints, apparently, and so they want to deal with the pain first. Once the pain is eased, I can fix one of the problems myself - lack of exercise. It won't matter anymore that I may be causing further damage by walking around, because it won't hurt and they're going to fix it at some point. My muscles have been atrophying for some time now, including the stabilizer muscles, so I'm looking forward to being able to exercise again. I miss it.

I still won't be able to do my belly dancing until they fix the issue with my joints locking up, because my legs simply won't do what the need to do right now, but maybe I can do a limited amount. Dancing is something I miss more than anything. I've been dancing in one form or another since I was a small child, and to have that taken from me is painful. I can wiggle my hips on the dance floor at a club or something, but I can't do anything that requires real skill.

I go for the shots on July 3rd, so we'll see how that goes. In the meantime I'm catching up on my reading and getting comfortable in our new home. We have office space now, which is awesome. I just can't really use it yet. I need a proper desk and office chair. I bought an office chair from Staples a while back, but it doesn't tilt back far enough so it's uncomfortable for me. I do have a table I can use, but no chairs that will really work with it. Then I have to set up something for sound-proofing, or at least noise-reduction. I'm doing the intros for all the shows now, and I do other voiceover stuff, so I want to be able to record quality audio. I've done the last two in my bedroom, and the echo was pretty bad. I can get rid of some of it, but it's better to not have it in the first place.

So I finally have peace in my life again. The stress of hearing people yelling in the hallway, swearing, coming in drunk in the middle of the night and carrying on loud conversations with other neighbours, people smoking in the hall so it surges into our apartment, and who-has-the-loudest-stereo competitions late at night - those are all things I do not need in my life. I despised living there, and the tension built up so much that I'm still letting go of it now. Situational depression, even when the situation is gone, doesn't just magically disappear. Your behaviour becomes habitual in response, so those habits have to be broken. I cringe when I hear noises, still. Our only neighbours in the building are our landlords, and they live upstairs so we hear their dog barking and their voices when they talk loudly, so it trips the switch a little, but once I realized that was their natural speech pattern I was fine with it. I just hate people fighting. Drama is not something I seek out in life.

Now that a large number of problems have either been solved, or are about to be, I'm looking forward to seeing what I can make of my life once again. Giddyup!

Lying on My Back Isn't as Fun as it Should Be, but I Still Feel Great!

Apparently I need to learn how to walk again. It's become my arch-nemesis. I used to be an athlete, and I never injured myself as badly as I have just walking. A few weeks ago I slipped and did a number on my knee, but it's not the first time I've caused major damage when I should be safe from myself.

This, of course, is the reason I haven't been around lately. I've barely been on Facebook, and that only because I finally bought a new smartphone. I hate typing on the damn thing, because a touchscreen keyboard really sucks. I prefer actual keys so I know what I'm pressing. Still, it's a temporary phone until I can afford the BlackBerry I really want. I had to cave and get a cheap Sony phone to tide me over, but at least my daughter will like it for the PlayStation aspect when I turn it over to her.

I'm finally back in a chair, instead of lying on my back for all the wrong reasons. I had to have my knee propped up, and was on crutches until a little over a week ago. Even now I'm really careful about what I do with that leg. Twisting it, or letting it go into the locked position, is something I avoid at all costs. Life doesn't stop because you've got a funky pin, however, so I've got no choice to get moving on things.

Speaking of moving, the landlord was sympathetic enough to let us stay another month because there was no way I could move like that. Now we're struggling to find an apartment, but a lot of that has to do with me hating that kind of thing. I have to force myself to spend just one day making all the calls I need to make. I've got a great list of places to call, at least. Technology is awesome. You don't even have to go anywhere to see what a place looks like. You can weed out the ones that are completely unsuitable. Some sites have walk-through videos which are even better than pictures.

So, hopefully in less than two weeks we can get our butts into a better apartment. I don't even want to talk about why this apartment is so terrible. It's embarrassing. Let's just say we've made friends with the mice, but there are other friendships we're not willing to consider.

The great thing is, I've suddenly started feeling really good again. I had to rebook a specialist appointment because I couldn't get down the stairs of my building, but on May 14th I finally see one of the best surgeons in Canada. I have hope in sight. My life is just over the horizon. I've tried to live as much as I can in my current situation, and keep my spirits up, but it's not easy when you feel like everything wonderful has been taken from you. Now I feel like everything wonderful will be mine again, and the appreciation and anticipation are enough to get me off my butt to move my life forward again.

I haven't been myself for a very long time. Now I'm gulping down the air and my mind is bursting with everything I'm going to do. There are things I've been doing already. I didn't just lie down and die or anything. I mean, I was writing, I've been producing The Kovacs Perspective for more than two years now and taking it in a new direction with my partner, and I've been planning my future and looking forward to a time when I would be pain- and drug-free. When I say drugs, I'm talking about prescription and over-the-counter, not illicit. Not that I'm pure there, but it's been many years since I delved into that goodie bag. A lot of people smoke pot to help with pain, but it has never helped my pain and I hated the way I felt on it so I don't bother with it.

It's kind of like the air is fresh, even when it's not. I'm gulping down a mouthful of freedom I guess. I've been feeling trapped in my life, even knowing it was temporary. Knowing the cage door is about to open is a heady experience.

Whatever you do in life, appreciate every advantage you might have. If you can walk, be thankful for where your legs can take you. If you can hear, be thankful for the music that can fill up your life and the voices of loved ones. If you can see, relish the beauty of the world, whether it's by reading an amazing book or watching a sunset over the water. No matter what has happened to you, what you may have lost, remember the things you still have. That's the only thing that's kept me going the last few years, having to wait to regain the full use of my body and mental faculties (which have been dimmed by the medication needed to handle the pain). Well, my ferrets have been a huge help, too, so I can't forget them. They make me laugh when nothing else is funny.

One of the hardest things to deal with when encumbered by something that restricts your life, and especially something that causes chronic pain, is the emotional toll it takes. Most people suffer situational depression, and I'm no exception there. The problem is, if you tell your healthcare provider what you're feeling the first thing they want to do is stick you on anti-depressants. I'd like to know how the hell they think that's going to help. I mean, situational depression is not a chemical imbalance, so treating it with chemicals will do what, exactly? It's just going to screw with your own brain chemistry and add a chemical imbalance you didn't have before.

That was a lesson I learned when my ex started going through all that with his physical condition. It was severe, painful, caused irreversible damage to his body, and he was understandably miserable. Suddenly the doctor assumed he was going to attempt suicide, and then they took away the pain meds he needs so badly, which of course only made him more miserable. I mean, really! Talk about a stupid way to handle it. Getting rid of the pain is the only solution that works, not allowing a patient to suffer unnecessary pain.

So I never mentioned the frustration, despair, etc. I've got a lot of emotion locked up inside me now, waiting to be let out. I intend to use it to propel me forward. Back into the life that was delayed for so long. I've still got a bit of waiting to do, but I'm already cutting back on the pain killers. I can stand pain for a while, just not long-term when it starts driving me crazy, and as soon as my injuries are repaired I want to be able to get back to my life. I don't want to have to wean myself off the drugs then, because that would only delay me further. The drugs I take affect my ability to think clearly, and to me that's almost as intolerable as the pain. I have an affection for my strange little brain, so I'd like to get back in touch with it as soon as possible. My concentration has been shot, and there have been some projects I've put on the back burner because I just can't deal with the steep learning curve right now. I've got new software to learn, and courses to take.

Still, I can only be grateful and appreciative that there's an end to the misery in sight for me. There are too many people out there who know they're stuck in their situations for the rest of their lives. They're forced to make the best of it and fight off the inevitable depression. I think I could cope with almost anything except permanent pain, though I've dealt with pain most of my life so maybe I could cope with that, too. I just don't want to have to, and it looks like I'm going to be one of the lucky ones. Plenty of reason to smile and feel good about the future opening up before me.