If I'm Wrong, Why Does it Work for Me?

I'm doing research on my next article for Feminspire, regarding true equality between the sexes, and a portion of that research involves heterosexual dating statistics. From every single source I'm getting the same statistics on preference. When it comes to asking someone out, men prefer to do the asking, women prefer to be asked. Never mind the fact that men who don't ask are apparently not the least bit interested in the women, but will go out with them if they're asked because they think it will get them laid.

Yikes!

So from the time I was a teenager, all the way up to this point in my life, I've been doing it wrong? My thoughts on being a true feminist have been getting in the way of my love life? Well, I have to say that's a bit of a shock to me, considering the results of my personal experiences. Of course, I've also been told that men don't like ball-busting-feminist types such as myself, yet there has been no lack of men who were willing to take the so-called risk. Maybe they thought they could tame me or something, but if they did it wasn't long before they were disabused of that particular notion.

I'm not getting this information from ridiculous sources, either. The study I'm quoting in the article actually comes from Psychology Today. Yup - I'm dealing with the serious folks in the world of mental health. At least, I think I am. The article I'm referencing is written by a Ph.D., and was written in 2011. Hardly the dark ages of feminist struggle. The study was done in 2011 as well. That's only two years ago! I was asking men/boys out as a teenager - at least by the time I was sixteen years old, if not sooner. That's 25 years ago.

Not one of the guys I asked on a date was expecting sex from it, either. I've had guys ask me out and then expect sex, but not guys that I've asked. When it comes to that, however, it might have something to do with the fact that when I asked a guy I paid for the date. They couldn't make the ridiculous claim that I owed them sex because they'd spent money on me. And, believe me, I have met men who think that way. I dated a guy for a few weeks once who started saying stuff like that, which resulted in the immediate euthanization of that particular relationship.

While it may be true that guys I've asked haven't been particularly interested to begin with - it's hard to say for certain - in almost all cases the dates have resulted in something more serious. So, they either found something in me that was a lot more interesting than they had previously thought, or they were actually already interested. It could go either way, since I have to say I'm pretty fantastic...damn, that ego could get really out of control.

I'd be more likely to believe that the guy was either on the fence about asking me, or it just hadn't happened yet. There's that timing thing. I just might have been quicker at figuring out what I wanted, or acted more quickly on the impulse. Granted, when it comes to asking someone out for the first time, it's usually not done impulsively no matter how they might like to make it appear in movies. I mean, really, it takes a fair bit of time for anyone, male or female, to work up the nerve.

I have had some very strange pick-up lines thrown at me, though. One guy, dressed as a woman, propositioned me for his friend...who was a clown. His friend had apparently 'called' me first, kind of like a dibs thing, like I was the front seat of a car or something. They both wanted to ask me out, I guess. Neither of them succeeded. It wasn't the women's clothing or the clown suit that made me say no, seeing as it was actually a Hallowe'en party, but the fact that I was married at the time certainly did.

I would have said no anyway. Guts are important to me, as well as being treated as something more than a possession you call dibs on. If a guy wants to ask me out, he's stuck doing it on his own. If he has to pretend he's in high school to do it, my answer will always be no. Should he grow some balls later, that could possibly change to a yes, especially since it would take even more courage for a second go-round. I don't think it's too much to ask, since I've got the courage to ask someone out myself. I'm not asking someone to do anything I'm not willing to do myself.

The other part about the possession thing should be self-explanatory to anyone who isn't a neanderthal. I'm not a piece of meat to be fought over, or ceded to anyone else. If two men like me they can both ask and let me make the choice. If a man is interested enough, he's not going to bow out to his friend anyway.

Admittedly it was more convenient under the circumstances to be able to simply say that I was married and there were no hard feelings. Otherwise I might have felt compelled to explain the other reasons for my refusal. Not easy, considering the fact that I was in a local bar at the time and the music was loud. However, knowing how difficult it can be for someone to ask another person out, I would have felt bad if I hadn't done something to help them in the future. If it hadn't been for the loud music I might've said something anyway. These guys badly needed to know what they were doing wrong.

Now, as for the part about men not being truly interested in a woman, if they don't make the effort to ask her, yeah, there's definitely some truth to that. If you wait long enough, most men will figure out a way. Apparently they're hardwired for it at an evolutionary level. They must dance and preen for a prospective partner. They must show their, um, pretty feathers. They must prove their manly worth, occasionally by doing really stupid things that most women will roll their eyes at.

You kind of have to be surprised by the fact that it works when men do the stupid posturing thing, considering the fact that on an evolutionary level those things don't bode well for the potential offspring of such a union. Women get impressed by motorcycle stunting and fistfights and men who have high-success careers. Great! You have a man who will probably die young, a man who has anger-management issues, and a man who's a workaholic. Fantastic choices there!

Thankfully I'm at a point where I don't need any of this crap. I no longer want a relationship so badly that I can be bothered asking a guy on a date. I'll go to the extent of letting a guy know I find him attractive, but after that it's up to him. It's kind of weird, that after all this time of being so proactive in my lovelife my feminist tendencies have brought me to where I'm content enough to be by myself that I don't feel the need to be proactive with my lovelife anymore. Circular logic?

An Ex's Girlfriend is An Odd Thing to Meet

My ex finally got in touch with me yesterday, after two months of not hearing from him. Now in most cases that might be considered normal, but in my case it wasn't. We became really good friends after we stopped trying to be married (now that was a hot mess, and not a hot mess in a good way either - more like the steaming-pile-of-crap kind of mess). Once we let that other stuff go, we got along like a house on fire. During the marriage I think we were lucky one of us didn't set the house on fire...again, not in a good way.

So, I've been worried about him. He's been having some difficulties, and they were pretty bad. Not my place to broadcast them, as it's his life and not mine, but suffice it to say they were harsh enough I wondered if he'd make it through alive. Hearing from him yesterday was a relief. He's alive, he's getting past the crap, and he actually seems pretty happy, considering. Good stuff.

He stopped by today to pick something up, and he had his girlfriend with him. They've been together off and on for quite some time, so I knew about her - just didn't know it was on again at this particular moment in time. I wasn't really expecting to meet her, but whatever. I've been down that road before with other guys, and another ex-husband, so it isn't virgin territory, but it is still pretty weird. Don't think I'll be playing cards with the two of them, but who knows?

Thankfully it looks as though he's going to have a truck this weekend and will come get me so I can pick up the remaining crap I have at his mom's house. I won't have to replace the cushion for the second Ikea chair after all, I'll have all my clothes again, and I'll have my office chair back. A few other things are there, as well, but those were the ones in my head. Things I knew I'd have to replace, and I hate having to do that when I know there isn't anything wrong with them. It's like an itch at the back of the neck.

I will say, what with meeting the girlfriend, she was nicer than I expected. I've met others that were just nasty (not his, but other girlfriends of exes). I feel better about the two of them together than I did before - less worried about his future, I guess. I can't be a part of his future in that way, as we don't have that between us now, so I'd like to see him settled and happy. I guess we should get around to that whole divorce thing then, huh?

Of course, him having to wait for a divorce might be better for him - keep him from rushing into something else. However, him not being divorced could also hurt his current relationship. Girlfriends don't usually like it when their man is married to someone else (can't imagine why). Especially when it's someone as fantastic as me - ba ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I get a kick out of myself. You have to get your ego boosts where you can find them. Too bad I have to live in the real world, sort of, rather than in my own all the time, seeing as I'm so well liked in mine. Worshipped wouldn't be too strong a word.

One thing I hope is that she's not one of those girlfriends who freaks out about the ex and demands he stops being friends with me. Why should he? I don't turf my friends for boyfriends, period. I've never done that, and despite it being weird for guys at first they eventually remembered who they were dealing with. I don't think I've ever met anyone who has a more rigid code of honour or conduct when it comes to relationships. I don't even fantasize about cheating - it's a good way to find yourself in the thick of it, quite frankly. Admittedly I can't say the same for anyone else, seeing as you can never know what's going on in their heads - nor should you.

I actually don't think there's anything morally wrong with fantasizing about anything you want to, but I don't feel comfortable with mental boot-knocking on the 'greener' side of the fence. It feels like cheating to me. I'm expending emotional and sexual energy on the wrong person. If I spent it on the right one, I'd get a hell of a lot more out of it anyway! Like I said, though, I'm rigid about it.

Maybe it's the really insecure people that demand the end of friendships, I don't know. I'm not insecure that way, I don't think. It's easy enough to figure out when someone is grazing greener pastures, though, and that's when I lose my mind. I'm territorial if I feel I have a right to be. I expect the same from a committed lover. If there's no territorial instinct it seems to me there just isn't much there.

I have a specific set of codes when it comes to territory, too, though. Obviously, for someone to be territorial there has to be a territory in the first place, so if you're not actually with someone, it just isn't your territory. Second, I only get mad at another woman if she's knowingly trying to poach. If the man lets her succeed, however, he's the one to face the wrath, not her. Sure, I'd never go after someone that belonged to someone else - I don't think it's right, and if he falls for it he's a scumbag I don't want to sleep with anyway. Still, the only two people who have any real obligation are the ones actually in the relationship. Anyone else is incidental, and if it wasn't that specific person, it would've been someone else. Cheaters cheat.

Men are different than I am when it comes to territory. They get pissed off at the woman, sure, because she's a cheating ho, but when it comes to violence it's the other man they go after. Of course, that's all about primitive evolution, isn't it? A man needs to be the alpha. They need to prove they still have the bigger member (whatever the reality might be), which translates inside their brains as a need to pummel the one who potentially out-sizes them.

Truthfully, most women I've talked to are very much like the men. If their man is cheating, it's the other woman they hate. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me, logically, and it doesn't seem to trigger any emotional sense either. Maybe I've just conditioned my brain to think about it in a new way. I know very well that it's possible to play those tricks on yourself. I did it with the types of food I eat, and telling myself what I like and don't like. I mean there really are a lot of healthy foods that I like better than crappy foods, but some I've talked myself into. I started associating grease with nausea back when I was a teenager, and let me tell you, Burger King is not my friend.

My point with that rant, I suppose, is that I'll be irritated if I lose a friend because the woman is insecure, but I didn't get that vibe from her with regard to me. She chatted with me easily, telling me about her mom having 7 ferrets and being crazy about them, which is always a safe topic with me. I'm certainly crazy about my two boys. She petted Stimpy gently, which will also win major points. When they left she thanked me and said it was nice to finally meet me. All in all, not bad.

I probably could have summed all this up in two sentences: I met my ex's girlfriend for the first time. It was surreal. THE END. Instead you were treated to this rambling monologue about relationships and cheating. Ah, well. It's all about the journey isn't it?

Fundraiser for February 20th Cannon Street Fire

For anyone who is unaware of the deadly fire in Hamilton, Ontario, on February 20th, you can read all about it in my blog entry here. For those of you who are already aware of the tragedy, and who would like to show your support by helping the living victims of the fire, please do so by attending the fundraiser being held on March 23, 2013, starting at 5PM. It's being held at 205 Cannon Street East in Hamilton, Ontario, at the Cannon 205 Studios.

Not only is this event for a good cause, it's going to be an amazing time. There will be a whole bunch of performers for your entertainment - and for mine since I'll be attending with my daughter. Chris Misener just brought us our tickets, in fact! Tickets were printed by Copydog, so if you have an event you need to print tickets for, please give them a call.

Included in the list of entertainers/performers are the following:

STRANGE CARGO
BIG PHAT
ALFIE SMITH
GETTING STRANGE
JOE TOWERS
VOODOO RAY
CHARLY CHIARELLI

The MC for this crazy event is Matthew Terry  - official ring announcer for Fringe Pro Wrestling. The official Facebook event page can be found here. Please check it out for regular updates!

Tickets are $15, or 2 for $25. For updated information on where to buy your tickets, contact Justin Graves on Facebook or go to event page (see link above). There will also be a 50/50 draw and a raffle, with tickets available now, and you'll also be able to purchase tickets at the fundraiser itself. Other contacts who have tickets are Sharon Breckon Cruickshanks and Chris Misener, so you  have no excuse for not getting them!

There are tons of really great things that are being raffled off, generously donated to support the cause. Everyone is looking to help as much as possible. There were a lot of people who were left homeless because of this tragedy, and everything they owned was destroyed. They'll be needing rent money, utility deposits, and everything that goes along with starting out on your own for the first time. We tend to forget what that entails until suddenly we're faced with a drawer that has no can opener in it, or the lack of a toilet plunger.

For those of you who wish to donate directly to the trust account, please use the following information: Deposits can be made to any CIBC, or transferred if you are not in Canada, to transit number 03862 and account number 8720487 For donors outside of Canada. Please mail cheques payable to "Survivors" to 230 Weir Street North, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada L8H 5G3. Include the following account information: CIBC Transit # 03862, Account # 8720487.