Comfortable in My Own Skin

It's a very good thing I'm not the type of person to get cabin fever. I live a very secluded life these days. I'm content with it, though. Sure I'm frustrated by the fact that my healthcare is so crappy I may have to wait a couple of years before I can get my surgery (just one of those things I've found out recently that have made me a bit cranky and even more introverted than usual), but I'll do what I have to do to keep myself occupied and content.

I did forget to mention in my last post that I've rediscovered the joys of being single, through no fault of my own apparently. I managed to get myself dumped - by e-mail no less - but it was a good thing as far as I was concerned. For the first little bit I was really into the relationship, but then drew back almost completely when I saw he didn't have the same enthusiasm. I was actually somewhat content to let things go on casually, but I guess he felt guilty and thought he'd be causing me serious hurt down the road, so he decided it was for my own good that I be released from the relationship. Kinda sounded a bit pompous to me, but that's okay. After all, I was starting to make excuses about the weather being too bad for him to drive all that way. I guess he didn't notice.

So here I am, back to being a single entity, and it's rather a thrill. The thing is, if I'm going to be with someone, I want it to be someone who makes me feel good whenever we talk. Someone who is always encouraging, and doesn't suck all the energy out of me. My last serious relationship, which ended about 6 years ago, completely exhausted me. For several years I simply had no interest in being with anyone. I felt the odd spark here and there, but didn't want to pursue anything. Just the thought of getting involved, and dealing with all the crap relationships tend to generate, made me want to crawl under the covers for a week. I just could not bring myself to consider going there.

I'm at a point now where I'd be okay with a relationship, but only with the right person, and the guy I was seeing for a few months there was apparently not the right person. There was a lot of good there, but it was actually making me tired. I felt like I was forcing things, and as though I was obligated to text or call, and try to carry on conversations when I just didn't feel like it. That made me tired all over again, so that I just chilled for a few months (as anyone who reads my blog would have seen from my lack of posting). I wasn't upset or depressed - just tired.

Of course, taking a break from writing meant I lost all my momentum there. It goes back to that inertia thing. A body at rest tends to stay at rest, while a body in motion tends to stay in motion. Well, I've been at rest in practically every way lately, which means having to kickstart myself - as in, a good kick in the ass most likely.

Thankfully I've got really good friends who keep me attached to the world even when I don't necessarily feel like it. I have friends that just want a quick e-mail to let them know I'm still alive, and then I've got my friend and business partner who calls me all the time. He's one of those people that has a knack for getting people going, too, which is always a bonus. Even when he nags me, I don't take offense or get irritated, and in fact the nagging does push me to get things done. I guess the nagging is more like really good encouragement. Then again, he is a teacher, and from what I can see he'd have to be a damn good one.

Even feeling like a lazy git, it doesn't seem to bother me all that much. I've learned to accept my limitations in some ways. I get work done when I feel up to it, and don't force myself when I'm not. At one time I was posting in this blog every day, along with writing an additional two or three articles each week. I stopped enjoying my writing, I think. That didn't occur to me until now, which is surprising, but the fact is I just couldn't bring myself to start tapping at the keys. Of course, having a new laptop that does everything it's supposed to do makes a huge difference in my attitude. I waited a long time for this little treasure, so I'm very content.

One really good thing lately has been the fact that my daughter has been working for several months now, so between the two of us we're able to live decently instead of just getting by. Hence, the new laptop. We're no longer worried about the monthly bills, or how we're going to manage to buy enough groceries each week. In the last couple of years we've really noticed the changes in food prices, I tell ya. It's unbelievable. I mean, I used to be able to feed three people on $20 a week. Now that wouldn't last a single person for 3 or 4 days. Minimum wage is going up here again. I can't remember how much, but it's a pretty good hike, so that means things will be a little bit better, too, since it's more than what my daughter makes now, even though she's getting a little more than minimum wage.

I've started doing some website design, too. Just a little bit, but I'm learning a lot. I'm delving into Flash finally, so that should be an interesting (and steep) learning curve for me. I don't do well with graphics programs like PhotoShop, but hopefully my experience with music and video editing, along with my limited background in computer programming, will be of assistance there. When I need a good graphic or logo design, though, I generally ask my daughter to do it. It saves me tons of time, because it would take me forever to do what she can do in a couple of hours, even when she's doing multiple things to give me options to choose from.

I was taught how to use a computer back when there were no ready-made programs to use and if you wanted the computer to do something you had to type in the information yourself. The programming language was called Basic back then, and later they went to VisualBasic with the graphical user interface (known as GUI in geek). Banging out lines of code was rather simple, actually, and some of the newer programs and languages have complicated things in their own way, because generally you have to learn to use the program that you're going to be programming with.

When you use things like Expression Web, you still have to deal with HTML (5 generally, if you want your website to work properly), but you also have to learn where everything is in the interface. Of course, you no longer have to write the code to insert a button, but you do need to understand how the coding works in case you need to make changes - sometimes those changes can screw up what you've done, and you have to dig in and figure out where it went wrong. I've had some really stupid and frustrating errors, but at least I can say I'm learning a new skill. There are a lot of 42-year-olds out there who just don't bother anymore.

That's something I'm rather proud of, actually. I have one of those inquiring minds where I just want to keep leaning things, and I'm not talking about butting into anyone else's business. I've never been nosy in that way. In fact, people tend to tell me more than I want to know, simply because they know they can confide in me. It's one thing when your closest friends do that - it's expected in a real friendship. When people you don't really know start doing it, though, you just kind of shake your head in wonder. I've never understood how people have always just had that kind of trust in me, but maybe it's instinctive. I simply don't gossip. I have no interest in hurting people, or having to deal with confrontations from people because I shared with the wrong person, and those are only a couple of reasons I don't discuss the business of other people.

I'm like that in relationships, too. There are things that happen between two people that are absolutely no one's business, and I will never discuss intimate details. I've had men ask me questions about former lovers/boyfriends/husbands, and I'm just not going there. Quite frankly they should consider that a good thing, because then they know I won't be discussing those details about them. As open as I try to be about myself, particularly when writing articles on things that are personal to me, or writing blog posts, I always keep in mind the reaction and feelings of another person should they read what I've written about them. I don't generally use names, unless the person is deceased, or it's something positive they're doing that I feel deserves recognition.

Now I know this has been a rather rambling post about a multitude of things, but as I said in my last blog, I just really need to get back in the habit of writing. Once I start doing it more regularly, I'll start paying more attention to the things I see happening in the world - that's when my posts will become more focused again. I've got new things going on that I'm not quite ready to talk about, too, but I think it'll be interesting for my readers when all is revealed. At least I hope so! I can only hope I haven't lost the knack for writing to the point where no one finds it interesting anymore. I did finally write an article for a website I occasionally contribute to. If you're interested in semi-political stuff, you can find it here. It's called The Current Evils of Indoctrination and Complacency. Something that's happening with frightening consistency these days.

Part of me has been avoiding non-fiction writing to try to get into the swing of doing fiction. Now I've got three separate books started, and all three are the start of a potential series. Aargh. I really need to focus on one thing and just get it done. My original book is about 25% completed now, and this is about the 4th or 5th draft, so once I get this draft done it'll be ready to be sent off. I haven't decided exactly where just yet, but I'll deal with that when the time comes. My second book is about demons, so it's in the realm of fantasy. The first one is serial-killer-murder-mystery stuff. The third one somehow popped into my had from a dream, and delves into international spy territory. It's not something it ever occurred to me that I might want to write one day. The dream was a damn good one, though, so I went with it.

I have no more excuses with my writing and other projects. Having a new laptop that I can actually use on my lap means I really can write anywhere, no matter how miserable I am. Hopefully I latch onto that and get moving again. I've been missing something vital in my life, not having my writing, so I need to reclaim it.

Back in the Saddle Again?

I am now woefully out of the habit of blogging - or writing of any kind for that matter. So, rather than set myself the task of delving into a complicated topic, I thought I'd make a few self-deprecating remarks about my own shiftlessness. Or maybe I'll just whine a little bit? You see, I get myself into trouble sometimes by setting unrealistic expectations for my own perfection. My myriad character flaws, however, render perfection not merely unachievable but laughable in the extreme.

They say the devil is in the details, and if I may I will offer my own interpretation there. I think the devil can get you with the details. I have this nasty habit of not wanting to finish something if it's not perfect, and unless I have someone else to answer to in that respect I often allow that trait to derail me. When I was in corporate work I had a direct supervisor, and since I do not like making excuses because I haven't finished something on time, or it wasn't done right, I simply made sure things were done and done well.

Writing isn't like that if you're freelance, when there's no deadline to meet. I get ideas for things I want to write about, and some of them are good ones, but I somehow manage to put off starting a piece for another hour or two, which can turn into weeks unless I slap myself around a bit - and trust me, that really is as difficult to do as it sounds. It reminds me of the Jim Carrey movie, Liar Liar, where he kicks his own ass in the bathroom at the courthouse to try to get out of continuing. If you've seen the movie, you already know it didn't do him any good, and left him in a lot of pain for no reason at all. Sort of like the misery I put myself through by procrastinating.

Okay, so if you're reading this I have to assume you're a bit curious as to what I've been up to. I would love to say I suddenly developed a life or something...except I didn't. Being as brutally honest as I am, particularly with myself, I'm left with nothing but the truth. I've been bloody miserable, wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole for a little while. Misery stems from multiple sources.

First, I'm in a lot of pain. My whole body is getting even with me these days. It's not just the damage in my hip joints, but also what seems like a million other ghosts of old injuries. My knees would love to kick my ass for the damage I did to them when I was thirteen, except that it's physically impossibly for them to do so. My left ankle is still mad about the skydiving accident from nearly twenty years ago. My left foot is spitting nails, and I don't mean toenails, for the three bones I broke in it over twenty years ago. My back isn't happy about something, and is being very passive-aggressive in that it won't tell me why it's so upset with me - the nerve damage shows up in an EMG, and every once in a while both my big toes go numb, but I still don't know what that's from.

A few weeks ago I developed an abscessed molar, too. I've been to the dentist and was put on antibiotics, but they were supposed to call me once the coverage for an extraction went through. Now I'm probably going to have to be put on another (stronger) course of antibiotics, seeing as I've taken every last one of them like a good girl, but still no call from the dentist's office. Time to start nagging them.

Second, I was finally able to get myself a new laptop to replace one that's been very much abused. As thrilled as I am to have one that isn't six years out of date, I'm not so thrilled with having to set everything up. It's worse than simply re-formatting my hard drive, because now I'm stuck with the latest and greatest disaster from Microsoft. Windows 8.1. It started with Windows 8, though, which was a lot worse, so I guess I should be grateful for small favours. I'm adapting from Vista which was unstable and terrible in the extreme, but at least I knew what I was doing with it. I always seem to skip over their best operating systems.

Moving my e-mail history was...um...interesting. I still haven't set up all of my accounts in Outlook, but the major ones are done. My G-Mail has over 8,000 items in it. Outlook doesn't like downloading them all at the same time. It only did a few hundred at a time, but I didn't realize that at first. I kept wondering why the search function wasn't bring things up for me - turned out it was because the items weren't there yet. "Outlook has stopped working," has become my least-favourite four-word sentence. "We need to talk," is now second on the list.

Well, as much as I would like to continue whining until I've gone over everything, I know that if I don't post this now I probably never will. So, hello again everyone. Giddy-up!

Ignorance is Only Bliss to the Ignorant

"Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." Thomas Gray, Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College

This phrase is constantly misinterpreted by the masses. In fact, until I researched it I didn't realize there was any more to it than the commonly uttered, "Ignorance is bliss." Once you see it in context, however, it's readily apparent that Thomas Gray was in no way promoting ignorance. He was, in fact, being nostalgic about his youth.

Ignorance has never been blissful to anyone other than those who are ignorant, and even then the ignorant suffer for their lack of knowledge and understanding in life. Far too many people choose to be uninformed about far too many things, and generally we are punished for it whether we know it or not. When we aren't the ones punished, it's always some other creature or person who is.

Animal rights is one good example of ignorance working against everyone and everything. As much as I hate the thought of animals being abused in general, I'm not going to look at this from the perspective of their suffering this time. From a completely unemotional and selfish human standpoint, let's examine why animal abuse is bad. We'll take bees as the first example. Not too many people spend much time thinking about them, other than perhaps beekeepers and those in the agricultural and environmental fields. The funny thing is, bees are one of the most vital components in the mechanism that keeps people alive on this planet. I won't post the quote attributed to Einstein about bees, because research has determined that Einstein probably never said it. Einstein wasn't a botanist, entomologist or biologist of any kind, so talking about bees wasn't exactly his schtick. However, the message within the quote remains somewhat valid. Without bees to pollinate, we would lose a very large portion of our food supply. Not all of it, but a huge amount. That's the direct impact. The indirect impact is that many of the things pollinated by bees are what support animal life in the wild. This affects anyone who might hunt for food.

I'll give a second example of how animal cruelty impacts humans, and then we'll move on to something else, but it's important for people to make connections like this. A second example is necessary to demonstrate a completely different sequence of events that many do not consider. How about we go with any sort of breeding facility for meat products. Pigs, cows, chickens and their ilk, are most often raised in sub-standard conditions. I'm not saying illegal, either. I just mean animals that are penned in tight quarters, given growth hormones and antibiotics that are unnatural to their systems, and that are often treated very badly. There are plenty of videos out there showing the beatings and abuse inflicted on farm animals, so if you're interested by all means Google it, but I won't include them here because I can't stand to watch them.

My point is this: These animals are not healthy. They're not allowed exercise because the meat becomes tougher. They confine them to keep them tender for our chewing pleasure. How healthy are the humans you know that don't get any exercise at all? The ones who stay firmly planted on the sofa, and often don't even get up to go to bed because they sleep on the couch - those are the ones I'm talking about. Chefs talk about the 'marbling' in the meat that makes it so juicy - well, that's nothing but a fat, out-of-shape animal. Now start adding those unnecessary antibiotics or growth hormones.

The other issue regarding close confinement is the fact that it spreads disease very rapidly, and quite often that meat finds its way into our grocery stores and onto our tables long before they discover anything is wrong with it. Generally people have to die before anyone notices that "X" farm's beef is not quite the safest thing around. If you confine large numbers of people in buildings, disease spreads just as quickly. Think of everything from the common cold to swine flu. Well, the same thing happens with animals who are closely quartered.

Going beyond animal treatment and things that actually impact each of us directly when we're ignorant of the facts, I want to talk about the more altruistic concerns where ignorance is harmful to others rather than ourselves. In these situations, selfish people simply aren't going to care, but I believe most people do actually care about their fellow humans. I think they often choose to shield themselves from inconvenient facts, though, so they don't have to feel guilty for pretty much everything they do in their daily routine.

One daily routine that's almost universal, is getting dressed after we wake up and changing into pyjamas when we go to bed. The question becomes, where are you buying your clothes? Following that line of thought, where are the stores you shop in getting the clothes, and/or materials the clothing is made from? Are your clothes free-trade and cruelty-free? If you're buying from Walmart, and a wide variety of other retailers, there's a good chance your clothes were made by people who are working in unsafe conditions and aren't even being paid enough to eat anything more than a bowl of rice per day.

Maybe you saw something about this in the news in April of 2013 when 1,129 workers were killed because a factory collapsed on them. Originally the death toll was 1,127, but two more people died within a month. A number of companies selling the clothing that was made there signed an agreement to improve conditions. Walmart did not. Another seven people died in October 2013 from a fire in a fabric mill in Bangladesh. Lack of transparency from many retailers makes it difficult to find clothing you don't have to feel guilty about, but if you're interested you can get some information here on where to find it. That link also provides information on the companies not doing so well, and in some cases provides a link where you can express your concern or take action in some way. Sadly you're likely to find some of your favourite brands and companies on that list, including Disney.

There is another sense in which ignorance is really not bliss, and that has to do with how it affects the people around you just in general conversation. You get this a lot with people who like to spout off with statements like, "Political correctness has gone too far." Says who? Says the person who isn't being hurt or oppressed in any fashion, (or in some cases they are and don't know it because it's so culturally ingrained). This happens with any kind of struggle for equality, be it feminism, marriage equality, racism, etc. Most statements from people who shrug off political correctness are coming from white, heterosexual, non-disabled males who are part of some sort of organized religion. You can get mad at me if you want to, and state that I'm making generalizations, but I was actually pretty specific there. Take a close look at the rhetoric being spewed by many so-called God-fearing Christians in the bible belt. Actually, a close look is completely unnecessary and might actually become a forest for the trees scenario. That kind of attitude is best seen from a distance for a wide variety of reasons.

White people do not generally experience racism. It can, and does, happen in a small number of cases in areas comprised predominately of people of non-Caucasian descent. White people almost never experience racial oppression. When I talk about oppression, I mean the action or force that causes real harm, not someone simply making a snide remark. I'm white, and have never been oppressed for the colour of my skin. Hence, I will never understand what that is like, other than by comparing it to the fact that I'm female and have experienced unequal treatment based on my gender. However, even within the feminist movement there is a great deal of non-inclusiveness when it comes to people of colour.

Men, at this point in history, do not experience gender oppression. There are some cases where they are discriminated against, such as in the case of custody and support hearings, or when they are assumed to be the abuser in a domestic violence situation. My point is that they aren't told they have less value than a woman because they're male. There were times in history, and in various cultures, where men were the underdogs. They aren't now. In a case by case comparison, it is women who are overwhelmingly treated as the less important of the male and female genders. There are people who have it a lot worse than women, however. I refer to those who are transgender, or intersex (someone who is born with both sexes - what most people refer to as hermaphrodites, although that is not a scientifically correct term). Imagine living your life as neither of the accepted genders. There are countries in which you can be legally defined as a gender other than male or female, but in the western world those people are completely discounted by the ignorant among us.

Overweight people are treated like human waste and fat-shaming is standard behaviour. Naturally low-weight people are accused of being anorexic. For some reason our size becomes the definition of who we are, and where we are situated on the social ladder. Admittedly, quite often a person's size can be attributed to certain psychological factors. Overweight people are often overweight because of psychological issues that compel them to overeat. A number of extremely skinny people are underweight in an unhealthy way, and also for psychological reasons. The problem is, there is no way of knowing which cases is which merely by looking at them. Never mind the fact that if you really stop to consider the reasoning behind either extreme that is the result of unhealthy thought processes, you realize that there is every reason to provide understanding rather than judgment. There is the pain that brought on the issue to begin with, and now there is the pain that results from their issue being so blatant and open to criticism.

Going beyond insulting and hurting people with our ignorance, there's the simple annoyance factor. Ignorant people are very annoying to people who actually take the time to learn about things. I mean, let's face it. There really is no excuse for not learning about a topic before waxing enthusiastic on it. You want to talk about how great the bible is? Fine, but maybe you should actually read it first. Don't leave out all the parts that contradict you. If you want to talk about marijuana legalization, and tell everyone why you think it's a terrible idea, it's best if you understand a little something about it. Don't be like Nancy Grace who mouths off about deaths that never happened, and violence that didn't occur, not bothering to back up your words with any appropriate sources. Maybe you want to talk about gun control, but if don't know anything about the current legislation, or the legislation being proposed, your arguments won't be very effective. You'll just sound like an ignoramus extremist of some sort, no matter what side you're arguing on. If you happen to find yourself in a conversation with someone who has some knowledge, you'll notice that you're not very well liked or respected after that.

Ignorance is lack of knowledge. When I was growing up people also liked to call someone ignorant if they were rude, though it's an inappropriate use of  the word - in other words they were ignorant of the definition and meaning of ignorance. However, ignorance often results in rudeness when an ignorant person is shown to be wrong. People tend to get defensive under those circumstances, and will exhibit angry behaviour. There again ignorance becomes an issue to surrounding people. If people don't like being shown to be wrong about something, then people certainly don't like it when someone attacks them verbally or physically out of frustration and hurt pride.

Much of the anger we see in political and social issues today is based on ignorance. Quite often willful ignorance, too. They simply refuse to listen to other possibilities or compromises. They don't want to know why the people on the other side of the argument think they're right. They don't want to open up to the possibility that there might be a kernel of sense in a differing opinion. Most often they simply talk over what they don't want to hear.

"We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say." Zeno of Citium

The quote from Zeno can also be applied to our eyes. We use our eyes to read and learn. If we applies twice as much time to learning and listening, as we do to speaking, our whole civilization would improve instantly. Beliefs do not have to be static. Beliefs should always be fluid and open to new information. If reality contradicts our beliefs, we are left floundering in a state of cognitive dissonance. We can't honestly reconcile the two things, and that friction can become quite psychologically painful. Conversely, refusal to believe in a thing does not mean is ceases to exist.

It's impossible to argue with someone who refuses to listen to a counter-argument. It's called the invincible ignorance fallacy, and is a circular argument in which no evidence put forward is acknowledged. You're talking to someone who simply denies any validity of the information that has been presented, and it's something you see a lot in debates between scientists and creationists. Creationists deny any and all evidence put before them regarding evolution, or that contradicts their belief that the world is only 6,000 years old. There's actually a video you can watch with Richard Dawkins (a very well-respected scientist in case you haven't heard of him), where he is put through this, and the look on his face is priceless. He simply can't get over the woman's refusal to even acknowledge the evidence he verbally demonstrates. The full video is almost an hour long, but there are highlights you can watch where you see the complete blankness on this woman's face as she repeats over and over that there's no evidence. That's one of the best examples of the invincible ignorance fallacy I've seen to date. In one sense it makes me laugh, but in another sense I want to hang my head and cry.

I can only hope that people start consciously choosing to open their minds, learn and grow. It isn't as easy as it sounds, either. We're all guilty of closing our minds in certain ways. We're all guilty of jumping to conclusions at one time or another. It is impossible to be the perfect thinker. We work with what knowledge we have obtained, and what abilities we currently have to improve ourselves. Then again, we also have choices. No one can force us to think a certain way. We may be conditioned to do so, and many live in societies where it is forbidden to speak certain things aloud, but every person on the planet has the option of free thought.